Thursday, July 30, 2009


i could say everything is alright,
ive got no worries.
everything is going smoothly,
that this wasnt happening.

but reality check,
it is.
how do i deal with it?
i cant.
youre not letting me.
i still have no answers,
but ive at least quit with the tears,
& my appetite has returned.
im doing better,
i honestly am.
i just need you to "man up" and talk it through.
because two weeks,
with no answers,
isnt the answer.
and you know it.
and so does everyone else.
im not dumb,
i dont know what the heck your thinking.
youre making it harder & worse.

Friday, July 17, 2009

im a mess.

& i cannot stop saying that.

half the time,

i dont think anyone really knows what theyre talking about,
they dont understand either.
ignoring me doesnt help anything,
or anyone.
yes, im up this early because of you.
i lost my appetite.
i cant focus on anything else,
youre going to have to face it,
face me sometime.
you wont even see this.
venting to the internet?
but venting to people,
is so much harder.
no one wants to listen either.
well thats not true.
but i dont know.
you mightve just about ruined the rest of my summer +
anger much?
i know.
i need it to go away,
i need to calm down.
but how?
i dont know.
all i know is that im sick of crying,
and surviving on 3 hours of sleep.
i dont know,
i dont know what to think either.
bye for now.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


seem to hardly post stuff anymore.
just when i feel down.
why i feel down?
im not sure,
it just doesnt seem right.
but i know it is./
youll be gone.
ill miss you,
and i can only hope youd feel the same.
i let these emotions,
just about every single one of them,
run the train of mine.
thats not how i want it to be.
i think its supposed to go
facts --> faith --> emotions/
they only need to be forgotten,
and quickly neglected before i get so fully wrapped around them,
that i crash and burn and loose it all.
oddly enough,
im not really depressed.
just feeling hateful toward myself.
a thin layer of hate glazed over me,
i dont know.
i dont hate me,
i dont feel suicidal,
i just cant explain it.
i dont know why i get down so quick,
my life isnt hard.
my life isnt bad.
my life is simple compared to the stories i hear of others.
i almost find depression as selfishness.
i dont know if that makes sense.
i wish we had infinite contact kinda.
i dont know.
i need to get off.
think happy.
because in order to get my way off this sad broken road,
i cant let it get under my skin.
i need to concentrate on something happy/great,
and better,
and not just bathe in gloomy depression/
so, i think
im going to go pray,

Sunday, July 5, 2009


ive notices that i hardly post these anymore.
maybe cause ive got nothing imppotant to say anymore.
breaking free from depression looses my passion for writing something extraordinarily deep.
but its great.
i havent been real down in a while :]
i kinda want to start believing that happiness is a choice,
at the same time,
i know you can suffer from depression,
certain people its a choice,
you can make the best,
or the worst of a situation,
but then again,
thats optimism and pessimism.
weird word.
i dont know.
maybe stress made me depressed?
who knows.
i can never figure these things out.
im doing great,
its just a great feeling haa.
anyway night :]
once agian,
thanks for your time <3