Friday, May 29, 2009

uhh im not

im not ready.
im not happy.
im not sad.
im not fully here.
but im not fully there.
im not wide awake,
just extremely tired.
im praying and praying and praying.
hopefully today wont go wrong.
i have doubts though.

these are the times i wish i were 3 again so i could basically start all over.
but then again,
if i did,
maybe it wouldnt go so well.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

everyone says, how can you handle this?

i dont know how old this is,
maybe a few weeks old?
thought i should post it anyway :p

my simple response is
i really dont even know.
i dont know what to do.
you cant see my side of this picture.
i know it.
im not dumb.
i would like you to know that.
neither am i depressed right now,
which is strange.
i keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and its freaky.
tomorrow should be a good day.
i just might be sleepy.
i cant wait til thursday.
today was fun,
but extremely busy.
i shouldnt even be blogging,
im still doing my project.
no one probably reads these haa.
sorry for wasting your time,
but then again thanks for your time <3

because i miss having the people who will listen always.
i know there's people,
but i dont want to see like a drama queen.
i need to stop a lot of things :|
i have millions of goals,
waiting to be achieved,
but its so hard.
and i need help to suceed./
im not angry, or sad, nor happy, nor glad.
i have no emotion right now.
just to finish everything before 12.
doubt it.
im sleepy already.
goodnight <3
thanks for your time (:

Monday, May 18, 2009

excuse me, but your complete garbage.

liz left.
my sholder is killing me.
im still sick.
extremely hungry.
probably should do some homework?
but not in the mood.
doesnt matter though right.

seventh period sucked today.
who knew you could get attitude from a teacher.
she swears like i don't do anything.
partly ruined my day and any chance of optimism.
thanks.. -_-

i think ill go to sleep around ten,
early for once right?
yeah haa/
i want school to be over.
this blog is pointless/
i feel angry.
but i shouldnt.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

everyone seems depressed today/

its saddening :/
the most happiest people seem down today!
and i just dont know how to help them
without getting all Christian like.

oh yeah thats something else.
im soo sorry :/
i want to be put back up,
and thrown back in your life :/
try please./
ps, imfeelingdepressed :|


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

move right on in :]

stayed home yet again.
tomorrow i must go to school.
i did my hair,
and im not liking it so much.
it looks not the same.
maybe tomorrow it'll look normal.
and todays super hott.
well im hot right now./
my worries faded.
and i was glad.
but some more came,
but for friends not my own problems.
i was thankful for that,
not like in the mean way.
in a way where my arms can be open to them.
and like ive been craving for a while to help someone in need.
thank you.

beffer moved today/
should be interesting :]
she's staying for about two weeks?

i think.

im starving.
but to lazy to make food.
my tummy hurts too.
i think im done.

not depressed (:
but that means no deep thoughts for today.
just a simple happy blog hah (:

bye kids <3

Monday, May 11, 2009

its best not to

talk to me when i'm depressed.
i will probably drag you down.
but i need someone there for me.
just like you need someone there for you.
have a heart please :|

i have a headache.
im sick.
im sad.
i want to cry.

who cares,
you dont.

i want someone to pull me up and pull me away form this violent monster that i call depression.
but its not working.
no one is here.
no one is helping.

i am alone and unwanted again.
surely thats how i'll feel tomorrow and probably the day after.

i miss you.
you'd put a smile on my face,
if only nothing was wrong with me.
and if nothing was wrong with you.
or if nothing was wrong with us.
i never thought id find a problem in this all.
but what do you know.
it found me like a hungry mouse finds cheese.

i thought i was a good friend.
i dont know anymore.
i think im loosing it all.
and all i feel like doing is blaming it on ugly depression.
can i help it/?
you wouldnt be able to either if you took a walk in my shoes.

you want me to be happy.
so do i.
but thats not helpful.
i dont know where im going with this right now.
welli dont even know where im going at all.
i dont even know how tomorrow will be.
++ math testing?
ha joy.
i hope saul will go.

you've got me sitting here,
thinking up every possible disaster that could be the whole root of the problem.
maybe im to mean?
maybe you think its done?
i dont know,
to much is jumping at me like claws,
scrapping for these glass eyes of mine.
stop please!
i cant walk tomorrow blind.
leave me alone.
i need some rest.
here comes a nightmare.
i may as well go meet it and get it over with.
goodnight, people
hello, nightmare.


mm i've been wondering this since about ten this morning,
when i walked home from school because i felt like crap

how can someone so pretty,
turn into someone so ugly?

i say if the inside is ugly,
the outside is just as bad.


Where'd All The Good People Go?
i'd love to meet someone who tells me the opposite of that.
but that seems pracitcally impossible.
this world is ugly and filled with ugly.
God's creation; i understand.
but it turned fea.
its just a test.
thats all i need to remember.

i feel like not saving you,
watching you fall,
because i know you hate it when i do help you out.
im sure your glad i helped later,
but at the moment,
you want to tape this mouth of mine shut,
and tell me go away!
this is my life!
not yours!
let me make my own mistakes!

thats how it truely is.
i'd love to just stop giving you crap.
but i cant.
i care to much about you.

i can't hellp it,
i'm sorry.
but i'm sure if you were to tell me something.
i'd sadly/probably rub it in your face later,
which would not be the right thing to do./

i want to be well/
i didnt get to talk to bestfriend today,
because im dying.
so we rescheduled for next monday.
i need to get better!
im hoping everything will work out.
and that i can quit over thinking like i always do.
but especially right now,
because im pretty sure its nothing.
if it is,
then i dont know what im to do.
because neither of you will care.
maybe a few will./
who knows.
i for sure dont.
you just might be confused.
just like i am right now.

maybe i should get off,
go clean,
and go pray.
because those seem to be the only thing comforting right now/.
nothing else,
and nothing less.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


there was no church for me.
-slept to long.
Happy Mothers Day, btw.
well anyway,
today i was miserably sick.
and for once i wouldn't mind going to school tomorrow.
besides we only have like 26 days i think left.
i had that fire re-lite to want to help the needy.
and i hope i do.
i havent wanted to go to Africa + Asia as bad as i do right now.
i hope it stays lite.
im over last night.
its fine now.
but idk.
i think i need to get off and go to bed.
goodnight. (:

Saturday, May 9, 2009

just simply my first blog.

first blog?
i don't know how to start it,
or what to write.
it should just flow,
i'll start off with my day.
slept over at my beffer's house because we thought it was to early to leave on friday.
woke up like an hour before her,
and i was/am sick.
waited for her to wake up.
then watched a haunting in conneticut online.
a little disturbing,
not really scary.
played celebrity pedigree while it loaded,
funny :p
finished movie,
got ready.
arrived late at the mall.
i felt horrible for it.
my impatience grew for a moment,
but cooled down in a flash.
walked around.
felt ignored and unwanted most of the time.
that changed a little.
watched ghosts of girlfriend's past.
it was alrightt.
sad + funny.
colder than i expected.
_throughout the movie.

i feel like its a lie.
but i wish it werent.
i could be over.
i hope not.
tears seem to be something i can look too.
something disgustingly comforting.
ugly thoughts race through my mind.
i want them to leave.
i want today to be a day i cant remember,
therefore doubt wouldnt be hanging over me like a cloud.
is it because you two.
the two who hate each other,
please no.
i cant choose.
i want to go home.
but sadly im already here.
i dont belong.
i dont want to live here anymore.
i dont want to be depressed!
i dont want you or anyone to think this is for attention.
psh, please.
depression is real.
i cant help it at the moment.
i was so happy 7 hours ago.
shows how quick it can attack me,
and how vulnerable i can sadly be.
what the hell happened to me?

5/9/07: happy, flower child, Christian girl, doubt had never even touched me.

5/9/09: depressed, moody Christian girl, doubt lurking my every thought.

i think to much,
thats it.
but that saves me from so much.

hey, im only one person,
can you please keep that in mind?

i see my problem now.

i need my mom right now.

but until then,
tears feel like thee only solution.
i dont want it to be.
i dont understand anything.
sleep could help?