lonesome.

lonesome little me.
i wonder if im really that bad,
do i annoy you?
get on your nerves?
make things awkward?
yes,
these are the thoughts i think that YOU think.
i dont know if im right,
i dont care if im right.
people tend to think stuff is awkward when i dont,
as a matter of fact i hardly find anything awkward.
call me strange,
i dont care.
i also dont care what think of me anymore.
I WILL NOT WALK AROUND WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE WHEN I AM FALLING APART.
understand?
america gave us all the idea taht we must allways be happy.
i beg to differ.
i dont care about popularity.
im feeling lonely and bitter.
i kinda just want to go somewhere far by myself.
nothings fair, i dont care if you care.
ive had a brick wall of depression block my way from trying to be not difficult,
you ask how its going?
not fine.
i dont want you apologies, i dont want your sympathy,
i dont need help.
im not trusting everyone anymore.
i cant just talk to anyone nowadays.
my trust is not in everyone,
im slackin' on alot.
uh i dont know.
i havent been happy like i was a month ago,
in liike the past five days,
i hope it doesnt come back,
not again.
its not a good lifestyle,
and being happy really helped me realize that :|
uhhh/
i dont know.
so glad im staying home tomorrow.
thanks fo' yo' timee,
byeee.

how.

did all of this come about?
my day was great,
i got a lot done,
went on a nice run.
come home,
showered.
hop out to get a phone call,
it really shook me.
i dont know how im going to deal.
two people probably think im a backstabber for not saying anything.
i trusted her.
i know it was an accident.
i know that she's taking it hard.
i know its not something most would fret over.
everything i see is a memory that will bring me down.
things are changing.

i cant stand him anymore,
my own sibling,
my old hero.
the one i looked up to and was so happy to find out they weren't yours.
HYPOCRITE he is.
i said something i wish i never would have to say,
i shouted,
with tears in my eyes, "i hate him! i want him out of my life! he's so selfish! i dont want him near me, now let me go outside alone,
so i can think! dont trap me in my room!!"
it was something i meant but not entirely,
i dont hate him,
i love him,
but i cant stand him and his stupid choices.
i cried so bad,
my throat is closing up at the moment.
i shouldnt have been put in the middle,
like these other two that crawled in.
all of this is his fault.
im sick of this week,
feeling a little sick of my life.
he's weakening me,
i cry more often now :|
im loosing hope in any boy now.
my dad is the one who hasnt managed to let me down.
he helped me out tremendously,
i wish it were summer,
and it were hot and rainy.
i wish i were 22 and on my own for awhile.
but none of this overly rebellious crap.

he's messing me up,
i cant stand it.
he's not who he used to be,
he is no longer my hero.

hm, what do you do when

your family is falling apart?
well maybe its only for a day,
or a week.
or maybe the rest of your life.
slowly it could get better and regain its morals again.
but i dont know.
all i know is that today my family seems split into three pieces,
and me being a neutral piece.
is that neutral piece supposed to help each other piece until they all find there way back together?
not exactly.
doing that could cause lies, and more pain if its truthful.
either way,
someone will get hurt more than they are.
each piece has an idea with some right tweaks in it.
but then theres those tweaks that dont make sense and are selfish.
to bring down each piece more seems wrong,
but i suppose if you were to do so,
we would all be at our lowest moments,
find hope by finding others in their lowest moments.
is this making sense?
run away?
its an escape,
i understand.
is it always the answer?
no.
it will always come back,
so while your running and hiding,
realize that your coming back to it,
and it could blow up all over again.
im sure the fact of $$ being so little doesnt help at all
probably adds to everyones anger,
which theyre lashing out on each other.
life seems strange right now,
because while everything isnt going right,
ive got a sense of peace in my mind, and my heart.
that peace where i feel like everything will go fine,
everything will get fixed,
all by the precious grace of God.

really?

blogging like i said i would.

honestly though!?
youre an @$$hole!
you know it!
wtf would you say something like that?
i dont understand it.
right as i started to get better,
and be happy again and take a nice giant step from those tears,
you brought it back.
i mean oh my gosh
youre not who i thought you were.
id love it if you officially say it.
like for real.
uhh,
youve made me hate you.
not really,
i loathe you?
lol.
i dont know.
i dont know how you could do this,
or say this.
i mean for real.
youve just shoved anger & depression down my throat with such great strength,
that its broken me.
understand?
no,
probably not.
because you dont care./
do you?
not anymore at least.
removing me from your life was supposed to make this situation better?
huh?
dumb.
i cant handle this.
man up.

ps, i hate this bolog,
its not deep.
jusst honest feelings -__-

eyewish.

i could say everything is alright,
ive got no worries.
everything is going smoothly,
that this wasnt happening.

but reality check,
it is.
how do i deal with it?
i cant.
youre not letting me.
i still have no answers,
but ive at least quit with the tears,
& my appetite has returned.
im doing better,
i honestly am.
i just need you to "man up" and talk it through.
because two weeks,
with no answers,
isnt the answer.
and you know it.
and so does everyone else.
im not dumb,
i dont know what the heck your thinking.
youre making it harder & worse.
goodbye.

im a mess.

& i cannot stop saying that.

half the time,

i dont think anyone really knows what theyre talking about,
they dont understand either.
ignoring me doesnt help anything,
or anyone.
yes, im up this early because of you.
i lost my appetite.
i cant focus on anything else,
youre going to have to face it,
face me sometime.
you wont even see this.
venting to the internet?
stupid.
but venting to people,
is so much harder.
no one wants to listen either.
well thats not true.
but i dont know.
you mightve just about ruined the rest of my summer +
anger much?
i know.
i need it to go away,
i need to calm down.
but how?
i dont know.
all i know is that im sick of crying,
and surviving on 3 hours of sleep.
i dont know,
i dont know what to think either.
bye for now.

eye

seem to hardly post stuff anymore.
just when i feel down.
why i feel down?
im not sure,
it just doesnt seem right.
but i know it is./
youll be gone.
ill miss you,
and i can only hope youd feel the same.
i let these emotions,
just about every single one of them,
run the train of mine.
thats not how i want it to be.
i think its supposed to go
facts --> faith --> emotions/
they only need to be forgotten,
and quickly neglected before i get so fully wrapped around them,
that i crash and burn and loose it all.
oddly enough,
im not really depressed.
just feeling hateful toward myself.
a thin layer of hate glazed over me,
why?
i dont know.
i dont hate me,
i dont feel suicidal,
i just cant explain it.
i dont know why i get down so quick,
my life isnt hard.
my life isnt bad.
my life is simple compared to the stories i hear of others.
sometimes,
i almost find depression as selfishness.
i dont know if that makes sense.
i wish we had infinite contact kinda.
i dont know.
i need to get off.
think happy.
because in order to get my way off this sad broken road,
i cant let it get under my skin.
i need to concentrate on something happy/great,
and better,
and not just bathe in gloomy depression/
so, i think
im going to go pray,
bye.

yo

ive notices that i hardly post these anymore.
maybe cause ive got nothing imppotant to say anymore.
breaking free from depression looses my passion for writing something extraordinarily deep.
but its great.
i havent been real down in a while :]
happyyyy!
i kinda want to start believing that happiness is a choice,
but!
at the same time,
i know you can suffer from depression,
certain people its a choice,
you can make the best,
or the worst of a situation,
but then again,
thats optimism and pessimism.
weird word.
anyway,
i dont know.
maybe stress made me depressed?
who knows.
haha.
i can never figure these things out.
im doing great,
sorry,
its just a great feeling haa.
duh.
anyway night :]
once agian,
thanks for your time <3

heyheyhey!

this week has been EXTREMELY fun (:







i have nothing interesting to say :)
byeee yuhhh ;]

today is fathers day,

and i didnt get much sleep.
wait yesterday was fathers day.
i woke up around 8 at night,
from my nap.
my dad was watching ultimate fighting or something.
and somehow i just realized,
gosh,
i really love my father.
and spending time with him.
i feel horrible for ever being a bratt to him,
and even my ma.
i need a new attitude.
i'll search for it.
being happy would be a nice addition to my personality.
if that makes sense.
im not as thankful as i should be.
anyway,
im glad i got lucky enough to have him as my dad :]
maybe ill add more later but im tired now haha.
goodnight <3

sometimes,

i need to sit down,
just to think and finally remind myself:
i have problems.
of course i don't want to over react,
so i don't.
in my head,
trust me i'm exploding.
i can't take it.
i reallyreallyreally miss my beffer right now.
i dont want anything to do with anyone,
except my beffer + ashton.
they made yesterday super fun.
anyway,
yeah,
im smart.
i keep it to myself.
people say don't.
i've learned its the best decision i could make.
debate it all you want.
it feels right,
and it saves me and you trouble.
asdfghjkl;
this happens to much.

establish a new state of mind.

of life filled with happiness,
so i can become a leedo happymess haha :]
i havent blogged in forever.
i like being home alone haha.
currently addicted to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
and extremely happy as of now.
i dont know why.
well maybe i do.
haha.
i feel a little guilty staying home today,
and not going to some thing for my brother.
my excuse was sick and tired.
shamee.

schools takig foreverr! to enD :|
haha.
whatevrr.
four days leftt! :]
idk byee <3

uhh im not

confident.
im not ready.
im not happy.
im not sad.
im not fully here.
but im not fully there.
im not wide awake,
just extremely tired.
im praying and praying and praying.
hopefully today wont go wrong.
i have doubts though.

these are the times i wish i were 3 again so i could basically start all over.
but then again,
if i did,
maybe it wouldnt go so well.


goodbyee.

everyone says, how can you handle this?

i dont know how old this is,
maybe a few weeks old?
thought i should post it anyway :p


my simple response is
i really dont even know.
i dont know what to do.
you cant see my side of this picture.
i know it.
im not dumb.
i would like you to know that.
neither am i depressed right now,
which is strange.
i keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and its freaky.
tomorrow should be a good day.
i just might be sleepy.
i cant wait til thursday.
today was fun,
but extremely busy.
i shouldnt even be blogging,
im still doing my project.
no one probably reads these haa.
sorry for wasting your time,
but then again thanks for your time <3

because i miss having the people who will listen always.
i know there's people,
but i dont want to see like a drama queen.
geez,
i need to stop a lot of things :|
i have millions of goals,
waiting to be achieved,
but its so hard.
and i need help to suceed./
im not angry, or sad, nor happy, nor glad.
i have no emotion right now.
just to finish everything before 12.
haaa.
doubt it.
im sleepy already.
goodnight <3
again,
thanks for your time (:

excuse me, but your complete garbage.

liz left.

my sholder is killing me.

im still sick.

extremely hungry.

probably should do some homework?

but not in the mood.

doesnt matter though right.

seventh period sucked today.

who knew you could get attitude from a teacher.

she swears like i don't do anything.

partly ruined my day and any chance of optimism.

thanks.. -_-

i think ill go to sleep around ten,

early for once right?

yeah haa/

geez,

i want school to be over.

this blog is pointless/

i feel angry.

but i shouldnt.

whatever,

bye.

everyone seems depressed today/

its saddening :/
the most happiest people seem down today!
:/
and i just dont know how to help them
without getting all Christian like.
:/
sorry.?

oh yeah thats something else.
im soo sorry :/
i want to be put back up,
and thrown back in your life :/
try please./
thanks.
bye.
ps, imfeelingdepressed :|


joyyy.

move right on in :]

alright,
today,
stayed home yet again.
tomorrow i must go to school.
i did my hair,
and im not liking it so much.
it looks not the same.
maybe tomorrow it'll look normal.
and todays super hott.
well im hot right now./
today,
my worries faded.
and i was glad.
but some more came,
but for friends not my own problems.
i was thankful for that,
not like in the mean way.
in a way where my arms can be open to them.
and like ive been craving for a while to help someone in need.
thank you.

beffer moved today/
should be interesting :]
she's staying for about two weeks?

i think.

im starving.
but to lazy to make food.
my tummy hurts too.
i think im done.

not depressed (:
but that means no deep thoughts for today.
just a simple happy blog hah (:

bye kids <3

its best not to

talk to me when i'm depressed.
i will probably drag you down.
but i need someone there for me.
just like you need someone there for you.
have a heart please :|

i have a headache.
im sick.
im sad.
i want to cry.

who cares,
you dont.

i want someone to pull me up and pull me away form this violent monster that i call depression.
but its not working.
no one is here.
no one is helping.

i am alone and unwanted again.
surely thats how i'll feel tomorrow and probably the day after.

i miss you.
you'd put a smile on my face,
if only nothing was wrong with me.
and if nothing was wrong with you.
or if nothing was wrong with us.
i never thought id find a problem in this all.
but what do you know.
it found me like a hungry mouse finds cheese.
great.

i thought i was a good friend.
i dont know anymore.
i think im loosing it all.
and all i feel like doing is blaming it on ugly depression.
can i help it/?
no.
you wouldnt be able to either if you took a walk in my shoes.

sure,
you want me to be happy.
so do i.
but thats not helpful.
i dont know where im going with this right now.
welli dont even know where im going at all.
i dont even know how tomorrow will be.
great.
++ math testing?
ha joy.
i hope saul will go.

you've got me sitting here,
thinking up every possible disaster that could be the whole root of the problem.
maybe im to mean?
maybe you think its done?
i dont know,
to much is jumping at me like claws,
scrapping for these glass eyes of mine.
stop please!
i cant walk tomorrow blind.
no,
please.
leave me alone.
i need some rest.
here comes a nightmare.
i may as well go meet it and get it over with.
goodnight, people
hello, nightmare.

ugly.

mm i've been wondering this since about ten this morning,
when i walked home from school because i felt like crap.

how can someone so pretty,
turn into someone so ugly?

i say if the inside is ugly,
the outside is just as bad.

whatever.


Where'd All The Good People Go?
i'd love to meet someone who tells me the opposite of that.
but that seems pracitcally impossible.
this world is ugly and filled with ugly.
God's creation; i understand.
but it turned fea.
its just a test.
thats all i need to remember.

sometimes,
i feel like not saving you,
watching you fall,
because i know you hate it when i do help you out.
im sure your glad i helped later,
but at the moment,
you want to tape this mouth of mine shut,
and tell me go away!
this is my life!
not yours!
let me make my own mistakes!

yeah,
thats how it truely is.
i'd love to just stop giving you crap.
but i cant.
i care to much about you.

i can't hellp it,
i'm sorry.
but i'm sure if you were to tell me something.
i'd sadly/probably rub it in your face later,
which would not be the right thing to do./
sorrayyy.

gosh,
i want to be well/
i didnt get to talk to bestfriend today,
because im dying.
haa.
so we rescheduled for next monday.
i need to get better!
im hoping everything will work out.
and that i can quit over thinking like i always do.
but especially right now,
because im pretty sure its nothing.
hopefully.
if it is,
then i dont know what im to do.
because neither of you will care.
maybe a few will./
who knows.
i for sure dont.
you just might be confused.
just like i am right now.

maybe i should get off,
go clean,
and go pray.
because those seem to be the only thing comforting right now/.
nothing else,
and nothing less.
goodbye.

HelpThoseInNeed.

today,
there was no church for me.
-sick.
-slept to long.
Happy Mothers Day, btw.
well anyway,
today i was miserably sick.
and for once i wouldn't mind going to school tomorrow.
besides we only have like 26 days i think left.
haha.
anyways,
i had that fire re-lite to want to help the needy.
and i hope i do.
i havent wanted to go to Africa + Asia as bad as i do right now.
i hope it stays lite.
im over last night.
its fine now.
but idk.
i think i need to get off and go to bed.
goodnight. (:

just simply my first blog.

first blog?
yeah.
i don't know how to start it,
or what to write.
it should just flow,
correct?
well,
HereGoesNothing.
i'll start off with my day.
slept over at my beffer's house because we thought it was to early to leave on friday.
woke up like an hour before her,
and i was/am sick.
waited for her to wake up.
then watched a haunting in conneticut online.
a little disturbing,
not really scary.
played celebrity pedigree while it loaded,
funny :p
finished movie,
home.
shower.
laundry.
hair.
nails.
got ready.
arrived late at the mall.
i felt horrible for it.
my impatience grew for a moment,
but cooled down in a flash.
walked around.
felt ignored and unwanted most of the time.
that changed a little.
movies.
watched ghosts of girlfriend's past.
it was alrightt.
sad + funny.
colder than i expected.
unwanted.
again.
_throughout the movie.

i feel like its a lie.
but i wish it werent.
i could be over.
i hope not.
tears seem to be something i can look too.
something disgustingly comforting.
ugly thoughts race through my mind.
i want them to leave.
i want today to be a day i cant remember,
therefore doubt wouldnt be hanging over me like a cloud.
is it because you two.
the two who hate each other,
practically.
please no.
i cant choose.
i want to go home.
but sadly im already here.
i dont belong.
i dont want to live here anymore.
i dont want to be depressed!
i dont want you or anyone to think this is for attention.
psh, please.
depression is real.
i cant help it at the moment.
i was so happy 7 hours ago.
shows how quick it can attack me,
and how vulnerable i can sadly be.
what the hell happened to me?

5/9/07: happy, flower child, Christian girl, doubt had never even touched me.

5/9/09: depressed, moody Christian girl, doubt lurking my every thought.

i think to much,
thats it.
maybe.
but that saves me from so much.

hey, im only one person,
can you please keep that in mind?

i see my problem now.

i need my mom right now.

but until then,
tears feel like thee only solution.
i dont want it to be.
i dont understand anything.
whatever.
sleep could help?
bye.