Tuesday, October 6, 2009


lonesome little me.
i wonder if im really that bad,
do i annoy you?
get on your nerves?
make things awkward?
these are the thoughts i think that YOU think.
i dont know if im right,
i dont care if im right.
people tend to think stuff is awkward when i dont,
as a matter of fact i hardly find anything awkward.
call me strange,
i dont care.
i also dont care what think of me anymore.
america gave us all the idea taht we must allways be happy.
i beg to differ.
i dont care about popularity.
im feeling lonely and bitter.
i kinda just want to go somewhere far by myself.
nothings fair, i dont care if you care.
ive had a brick wall of depression block my way from trying to be not difficult,
you ask how its going?
not fine.
i dont want you apologies, i dont want your sympathy,
i dont need help.
im not trusting everyone anymore.
i cant just talk to anyone nowadays.
my trust is not in everyone,
im slackin' on alot.
uh i dont know.
i havent been happy like i was a month ago,
in liike the past five days,
i hope it doesnt come back,
not again.
its not a good lifestyle,
and being happy really helped me realize that :|
i dont know.
so glad im staying home tomorrow.
thanks fo' yo' timee,

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


did all of this come about?
my day was great,
i got a lot done,
went on a nice run.
come home,
hop out to get a phone call,
it really shook me.
i dont know how im going to deal.
two people probably think im a backstabber for not saying anything.
i trusted her.
i know it was an accident.
i know that she's taking it hard.
i know its not something most would fret over.
everything i see is a memory that will bring me down.
things are changing.

i cant stand him anymore,
my own sibling,
my old hero.
the one i looked up to and was so happy to find out they weren't yours.
i said something i wish i never would have to say,
i shouted,
with tears in my eyes, "i hate him! i want him out of my life! he's so selfish! i dont want him near me, now let me go outside alone,
so i can think! dont trap me in my room!!"
it was something i meant but not entirely,
i dont hate him,
i love him,
but i cant stand him and his stupid choices.
i cried so bad,
my throat is closing up at the moment.
i shouldnt have been put in the middle,
like these other two that crawled in.
all of this is his fault.
im sick of this week,
feeling a little sick of my life.
he's weakening me,
i cry more often now :|
im loosing hope in any boy now.
my dad is the one who hasnt managed to let me down.
he helped me out tremendously,
i wish it were summer,
and it were hot and rainy.
i wish i were 22 and on my own for awhile.
but none of this overly rebellious crap.

he's messing me up,
i cant stand it.
he's not who he used to be,
he is no longer my hero.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

hm, what do you do when

your family is falling apart?
well maybe its only for a day,
or a week.
or maybe the rest of your life.
slowly it could get better and regain its morals again.
but i dont know.
all i know is that today my family seems split into three pieces,
and me being a neutral piece.
is that neutral piece supposed to help each other piece until they all find there way back together?
not exactly.
doing that could cause lies, and more pain if its truthful.
either way,
someone will get hurt more than they are.
each piece has an idea with some right tweaks in it.
but then theres those tweaks that dont make sense and are selfish.
to bring down each piece more seems wrong,
but i suppose if you were to do so,
we would all be at our lowest moments,
find hope by finding others in their lowest moments.
is this making sense?
run away?
its an escape,
i understand.
is it always the answer?
it will always come back,
so while your running and hiding,
realize that your coming back to it,
and it could blow up all over again.
im sure the fact of $$ being so little doesnt help at all
probably adds to everyones anger,
which theyre lashing out on each other.
life seems strange right now,
because while everything isnt going right,
ive got a sense of peace in my mind, and my heart.
that peace where i feel like everything will go fine,
everything will get fixed,
all by the precious grace of God.

Monday, August 3, 2009


blogging like i said i would.

honestly though!?
youre an @$$hole!
you know it!
wtf would you say something like that?
i dont understand it.
right as i started to get better,
and be happy again and take a nice giant step from those tears,
you brought it back.
i mean oh my gosh
youre not who i thought you were.
id love it if you officially say it.
like for real.
youve made me hate you.
not really,
i loathe you?
i dont know.
i dont know how you could do this,
or say this.
i mean for real.
youve just shoved anger & depression down my throat with such great strength,
that its broken me.
probably not.
because you dont care./
do you?
not anymore at least.
removing me from your life was supposed to make this situation better?
i cant handle this.
man up.

ps, i hate this bolog,
its not deep.
jusst honest feelings -__-

Thursday, July 30, 2009


i could say everything is alright,
ive got no worries.
everything is going smoothly,
that this wasnt happening.

but reality check,
it is.
how do i deal with it?
i cant.
youre not letting me.
i still have no answers,
but ive at least quit with the tears,
& my appetite has returned.
im doing better,
i honestly am.
i just need you to "man up" and talk it through.
because two weeks,
with no answers,
isnt the answer.
and you know it.
and so does everyone else.
im not dumb,
i dont know what the heck your thinking.
youre making it harder & worse.

Friday, July 17, 2009

im a mess.

& i cannot stop saying that.

half the time,

i dont think anyone really knows what theyre talking about,
they dont understand either.
ignoring me doesnt help anything,
or anyone.
yes, im up this early because of you.
i lost my appetite.
i cant focus on anything else,
youre going to have to face it,
face me sometime.
you wont even see this.
venting to the internet?
but venting to people,
is so much harder.
no one wants to listen either.
well thats not true.
but i dont know.
you mightve just about ruined the rest of my summer +
anger much?
i know.
i need it to go away,
i need to calm down.
but how?
i dont know.
all i know is that im sick of crying,
and surviving on 3 hours of sleep.
i dont know,
i dont know what to think either.
bye for now.